in my head i replay our conversations
by Tibby Rose
Summary: quinn writes her five letters in december.


**one.**

Rachel,

Mr Schuester wanted us to write these letters to you. He wanted us to write what we would say if you were still alive. What does he expect us to say? Does he expect Santana to write that she's sorry for being mean to you? Does he expect Brittany to write something smart? Does he expect Finn to apologize for breaking your heart?

What does he expect? He always says we're a family, but we're not. Families mourn one another. Families cry other one another. Families love each other. The Glee Club isn't a family.

And if we were, you'd be the fish or something. Then, I'd suppose I'd be that little kid who dotes over the fish. The one that wants to hug and kiss the fish. The one who

See? Without you, I'm going crazy. I need you Rachel. I need you.

That's what I'd say.

-Quinn

**two.**

Rachel,

I know you didn't celebrate it, but it's nearly here. Christmas. Remember what we promised each other? We promised that we wouldn't give each other gifts, we'd just give each other. But not in a sexual way. You wanted to wait until marriage.

It feels wrong gong being your back, especially now th-

I was going to give you my letterman jacket. It doesn't matter now, because I quit the Cheerios. Again. Coach Sylvester would've had a fit, but I wanted to see you in it. I wanted to see you walk down the halls in my Cheerios jacket. It would explain that we were together, no matter what anyone said. By wearing it, we would officially be coming out. That's what you wanted.

I don't have it anymore. After I quit, Coach Sylvester wanted it back. I didn't want it anyway. For the past month, I had pictured it on you, and you only. I couldn't stand to see myself in it anymore. It didn't feel right.

Nothing does anymore.

-Quinn

**three.**

Rachel,

Mom says I need help. She doesn't understand. No one does.

Do you remember when we sung Born This Way? Do you remember my shirt? Lucy Caboosey? Remember how I told you the truth later? And you didn't hate me. You didn't hate me because I wasn't perfect. You didn't hate me, even though I hated that part of me. But you didn't.

Why don't you hate me Rachel? Why don't you hate Lucy Caboosey? Why don't you hate Quinn Fabray? I would if I were you. I was horrible to you and I pretended to be someone I'm not.

But you didn't hate me. Instead, you told me that you understood why I did what I did. How could you, even if I didn't myself?

Do you remember Prom Night? Do you remember how I slapped you? Do you remember Sectionals? Do you remember freshmen year? Do you remember Valentine's Day? Do you remember anything I ever did? I was horrible to you, but you understood me.

That's the thing, I guess. You're the only one who ever understood me.

-Quinn

**four.**

It's the 31st tomorrow. This is it, Rachel. New Years Eve is tomorrow. And you're not going to be there. Why? I know why of course, but _why_?

We had ideas for New Years, remember? Your dads had agreed to take us to New York, and we we're going to kiss as the ball dropped. We had planned to spend a few days there. I thought it was going too fast at the time-we had only been going out for a month-but you wanted it. And now I want it more than anything.

They asked me if I still wanted to go. They asked me if I was willing to celebrate without you there. Are they stupid? I know you love them, but Rachel, why can't they see I don't want anything but you? Shouldn't it be the same for them?

I'm not going to celebrate New Year's. Not just because it's Lima, and there's nothing to do over the holiday season, but because I can't celebrate without you. I can't do anything without you. I can't go to school without breaking down. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't look at stars. I couldn't go to Glee Club, so I quit. I can't do anything, Rachel. I need you.

When I was younger, my father said that I would find someone who made me fall head over heels in love. Someone who I couldn't live without.

Guess what, Rachel? You were that person.

-Quinn

**five.**

I love you. I miss you. You promised you'd be there for me when I was ready to say it. You promised me. I thought you would keep that promise. But you didn't.

Because I love you Rachel Berry. And you're not here to hear me say it.

Why?

-Quinn.


End file.
